“Should” Can Shove It
“Should” Can Shove It
Or: Strengthening Your POV Muscles
We’re nearly halfway through January, so, just checking in…how are we feeling?
How’s that resolution coming? Did you put “read more” on your list of goals because you liked the idea of being a person who reads more but you still haven’t read more than three pages since January 1st? I’m here to tell you…that is more than okay.
A lot of us (myself fullllly included) fall prey this time of year to setting the goals we think we should set, to do the things we should be doing, and these tend to be the ones that fizzle fastest. “Should” goals produce a lot of shame when we can’t keep up with them, and leave us banging our head against the wall wondering why we can’t just have more willpower. But “should” goals are often hollow because they don’t align with your distinct values, just the values you’ve downloaded from being a participating member of society.
As America Ferrera’s monologue in Barbie reminds us, there are a lot of “shoulds” thrown around in our culture. They’re often contradictory and always exhausting. Expectations have a way of crushing you under their weight — especially when you’ve internalized messages from society so deeply that the shaming voice starts to sound like your own. The call is now coming from inside the house to chastise you for not being everything to everyone all the time. And it can lead to paralysis: a feeling of being at sea, not knowing which direction to move in, resulting from a total lack of self-trust. How can we trust our true inner voice when we’re being smothered with what we should think and want day in and day out?
For actors and many other creatives, this phenomenon of eroding self-trust is compounded by working in a field where being good at your job requires taking feedback and running with it. In most acting institutions, the measure of being a “good actor” is how willing a vessel you are for the director’s vision, a blank canvas who can interpret direction and provide the exact “right” performance the creative team is looking for. In the name of education and improvement, we take on a TON of feedback — from casting directors, professors, voice teachers, directors, choreographers, agents, and more. Much like the expectations of society, a lot of feedback regarding our creative output is contradictory.
I spent many years trying so hard to incorporate opposing feedback from industry pros into my performances that I ended up telling no clear story at all, and worse, completely losing my own POV and artistic integrity in the progress. It became game of “how should I play this character [according to what’s expected of me/what people will like]” rather than “how do I think this character might be played?”
Now, this isn’t to say we should never seek out or listen to feedback. Feedback is a valuable way to see our work in a new light and can lead to wonderful and important moments of discovery (even if the pills can be hard to swallow at times). Feedback is a gift, but the good stuff loses its value when we let every opinion hold the same weight. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but our ability to take what resonates and leave the rest determines our sanity in this life.
So all this begs the question: how do we parse useful feedback from the unhelpful, and the toxic cultural “shoulds” that love to creep in?
You know that “POV” buzzword (buzz acronym?) everyone’s always on about? I take a more expansive view of this term, and I believe that strengthening your personal Point of View™️ is one avenue toward reclaiming self-trust and the magic that only you can bring to your artistry.
Your point of view as a human being is singular, and as an artist, it is a form of currency. Shaped by all of your prior experiences, your POV encompasses what brings you joy, what gets you fucking pissed, what breaks your heart. Every break up, embarrassing middle school moment, trophy or award, special interest or hobby — these all shape the unique person that you are and how you interpret the world around you.
You cannot help but carry your POV with you everywhere. It is in everything you do. As an actor, you cannot help but apply your POV to every character you inhabit, much as we like to pretend our real selves dissolve to make way for the roles we portray.
Our POV is a muscle that is always acting upon our lives, whether or not we notice it. It can be weakened, and even atrophy, when we get lost in the chorus of external expectations and trying to meet them all. It is strengthened every time we release a piece of feedback we don’t agree with, or free ourselves from setting goals that don’t align with what we actually value. We build this muscle by questioning the source of our beliefs. The more you explore this, the more you get to know your real values, and the easier decisions become about what advice to heed and what paths of inspiration to pursue.
So if you set that Goodreads goal because reading brings you joy and you want to make more time for it? Go for it, bestie. But if you’re just on the cultural bandwagon of feeling pressured to read because that’s what an educated adult “should” be spending their free time doing…RELEASE THAT! THIS MINUTE!! (Instead, think about what you’re actually motivated to do and go do that instead, without shame).
It also bears saying that if you’re like, “Let me keep my current goals in peace, lady!” then keep on doing you! You can release any ideas I’ve offered if they don’t serve you. (Trust me, your POV muscles will thank you 💪)
Freedom is knowing that everything is made up and you get to decide what matters.
These Are a Few of My Favorite Things (this week)
This is where I’m gonna be sharing assorted cool shit. It’s also a place for me to put you onto some of the coolest people I have the pleasure to know, pay it forward, and give folks their flowers. You can always scroll to this part if you’re a TL;DR type of person. I won’t judge.
Jammin’ On:
🧬 The TV show that moved me to tears…like, 2 hrs of cathartic tears
I only recommend Lessons in Chemistry on Apple TV+ if you’re feeling super mentally stable.
Okay, I take that back, because I wasn’t and I watched it anyway 😂
This show was a gut punch in the best way. I may never be able to explain why I cared so deeply about these characters, but boy did I. I have not read the book on which the series was based, but I probably never will because I don't know if my heart could take it. I haven’t cried so violently at a TV show since the Linda Ronstadt episode of The Last of Us. In addition to all the tears, this is a period piece centering a sweet romance, odd-duck protagonist, and a heartwarming tale about found family. Was it a perfect show? No. Will I be thinking about it for a long ass time? You betcha.
📸 Amazing collaborators for any creatives seeking a rebrand
I had such a fabulous time shooting earlier this week with Sub/Urban Photography that I had to give them a proper shout-out!
Jake and Amanda were amazing collaborators on the vision I had for my rebranded site photography, and Alex made me look and feel like me and it was lovely to chat with a fellow MUA! They really helped my stiff ass loosen up in front of the camera, and I am feral for the sneak peak images they posted in their reel ⬇️ (Prepare for me to be an annoying menace when I get my hands on these pics, y’all)
Crafting Connections
This is where I’m gonna leave you with a big ol’ question. Something to ponder, have a moment with your journal over, or to connect about with me & other creatives in the comments. To not only (hopefully) connect to one another, but to connect the dots between the seemingly unrelated, and connect to yourself in ways you may not have considered yet!
Who benefits from me feeling the shame of cultural “shoulds”?
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts & musings! Also feel free to share a “should” you’re releasing this year below 👇
xx
Kat
If you’re ready to rebuild your self-trust as an actor and uncover your artistic DNA in 2024, I’d love to help out with that 😘
Resources & Ways to Work Together:
🔬 Courageous Creatives Lab
Your calm in the storm of pursuing an acting career, and a holistic approach to acting coaching that fosters community, provides accountability, and encourages risk-taking and experimentation 🧪 If you wanna build up those POV muscles in a supportive environment, this is the place for you.
(I will literally ask “how does that sit with you?” to the actor working after their peer feedback and they’re fully allowed to say “eh, I don’t think agree.” Why is this so revolutionary?! #bfatrauma)
The next (and last) pay-what-you-can date before our first Cohort rolls out in February is Monday, Jan. 29th — mark your calendars and RSVP HERE.
If you want first access to the juicy deets on February Cohort dates, pricing, etc. join the waitlist here.
✍🏻 The Aligned Actor 2024 Workbook
A free Notion workbook chock full o’ journaling prompts & thought exercises to get you honed in on your career desires for the upcoming year, and clear on what actions to take to bring that vision to life! Prepare to, as we like to say in the biz, get specific.
✨Audition With Intention✨ Notion Pack
The streamlined, customizable digital home for your acting career that cultivates a space for mindful metrics, regular reflection, and goal setting so you can chart your own course in the theatre industry.